Nostalgia

My world, my mind and my space. Its like this high tech digital interface you hear about these days. It can be filled with all kinds of things and then one swoosh resets everything and its ready to be filled with fresh thoughts and sensations all over again.
But now i have started to think about some things i never hoped i would ever have to confront. Everytime i read a book about my "Desh", I have this intense nostalgia that grips me. Today, i sat on a toilet on campus, holding the cheap toilet paper while i wept at the saddest moment in the book - The Namesake. A few months ago i wept at the Chennai girl trying to marry the Punjabi boyfriend in "2 states". Just the description of the city Madras brought tears into my eyes. I agree, its not perfect. But, that famous canopy of trees on the road we used to drive through, is a picture that has been imprinted in my mind forever. It signified another day full of travel, shopping, food and meeting relatives or family friends. We braved fishmongers and their stinking baskets that accompanied us all the way along the ride.The bus would drop us off in the morning and my Dad would always open up a long list of things to be done. It began with a trip to the "bra and jatties" shop a.k.a the lingerie store. He would give my Mom all the money she needed for this part of our shopping and then step onto a different floor of the Mall in the most dignified manner. Yes, we were very secretive about this and buying sanitary napkins. The bags that we got with all our "stuff", we turned inside out so no one knew we bought lingerie. And the sanitary napkins, we wrapped in newspaper. Yes, here i was, a grown women well past her puberty trying to prove i never ever used a sanitary napkin or wore a bra. The same way we continue to keep sex in the closet and deny the fact that someones gotta be doing it quite a bit, if our population is over a billion. The contradictions define who we were and how we felt about some of these things. I didnt like it. Chennai was also the city where i boarded a train. Where i embarked on a journey that would change me forever. I made some of the best friends on this very first train journey.
When i left for Grad School, I was young. I was brazen and wanted my independence. I wanted to be able to wear anything, say anything and do as i pleased. I was angry with the interference in my life. I was angry that my parents disapproved of my talking to the one person who meant something then. And just because he was from a different caste. The day i left, I didnt cry. I usually never do. It hits me much later. Like it hit me when i went home for my wedding and listened to my sister's voice. I miss her singing. I wish I had spent more time with her when i was home.
Somehow i seem to realize that more money and more 'stuff' only brings more worries. Every generation has gotten richer but i dont know how the simplicity in all of their lives is lost. I still think that whatever i wanted to say is true. I need my freedom and i need my ideas to live with me. But i dont think i can find comfort in a fake How are You in the Elevators. I dont know if i can un-foreign myself ever again. I suppose i can never ask a school if they have established fire evacuation plans or expect for a delightful customer service technician on the phone or get to the airport in 8 minutes cruising at 75 mph on a designated lane. But I wouldnt have to ever spell my name out and i would be able to sit on the beach with my family. I would be able to listen to Classical music concerts (which i still believe is one of the most complex things to master) and dress up in real prints. I dont know if it is something that i can get back to. I know a lot of people who didnt make it. For now its a dream.....

PS : Have still not finished Anna Karenina. I bet it will keep me busy for a bit. Have been on a reading spree. The other book i finished was Little Bee. BRILLIANT is the word. I wish my thesis would beckon.

Good God!!!!!Gold!!!!!

Its amazing how you think things have changed only to realize you were quite wrong. Thanks to the latest time wasting tactic a.k.a facebook, these wedding photos keep popping right up, and i realized that the ubiquitous most awkward piece of jewellery that we still find is the vaddanam. Now, i am not entirely against wearing one . But honestly, very few people in those photos have a waist which can be shown off. And i absolutely believe in wearing something after making sure it looks good on you. That totally includes moms as well. Aunty , please do all of us a favor and let us enjoy the photos thoroughly! While we adore you, your selfless love and your efforts in making everyone feel like they are looked after, we certainly dont want to start computing the circumference of the ornament. While we are at this, lets also make sure that the bride doesnt look like a female version of the Oscar statuette. Seriously, what with kancheevarams that are completely covered by gold and zaris competing in "how wide is yours" contests, I pity the purse that pays for this and the girl that has to pretend that she will wear it again for sure.
Agreed, we dont go the dowry way anymore but the pressures are still there. About time we realised that we dont have to live according to what other people say. I am surprised at how many of my friends complied and at how many comments i got about how simple some of my saris were. For one thing, i think donating that money to charity makes much more sense than looking like an oscar stauette that is also a mannequin for a jewellery store. That actually makes me think - A woman painted in gold wearing just the thick heavy gold jewellery covering her bust would make a seductive ad. Wait, thats the sort of stuff kids cannot see.

Back to my point.Lets make weddings what they are - about the two people who are going to be together. Besides all that stuff is going to come right off anyways, isnt it? ;)

Lots of Updates!

Yes, lots of updates!!!!!We got married last Thanksgiving!It was amazing. A total hectic high adrenaline trip back home. I had a lovely time with my family. We had loads of fun at the ceremonies although i didnt really favor staying away from my husband and not being able to talk and behave as freely as i wanted to. Traditions and rituals etc seemed to be not too bad since they were a mix of telugu and tamil ones and basically everything was done with a bit of modern relevance. Which was great!!!!I felt terrible leaving home, leaving India and getting back here. This time around i began really thinking, what was i going to do? Go back or not? I am getting used to it here. But i miss the smells,, the colors, the smiles and the family get togethers. What will i do when i get back? What will my husband do? There are no fabs back home. So what else can he do then????We have no answers now but will, sometime in the future. The thing thats great is to know we will find our answers together.
The other real big update is that we decided to spend a week in Europe. Yes, we saved up for it. Like crazy!They say nothing is impossible and in this case it is true. We had no guide, no tour package, no cruise to tell us what next or where we can find stuff. It was a three to four month period of reading on the net and looking for deals that finally paid off. We didnt get our visas the first time, our trip was almost canceled thanks to the BA strike and then the bad weather but we squeezed into the window of lovely winter weather and had a PERFECT time!
We landed in Rome, spent 3 days touring the city and breathing in all of its wonder. Then we took a train to Pisa and then Florence - the heart of the Renaissance. We then took a night train to Paris. It so happened we had first class tickets and we had our own porter that escorted me down the steps and took my bags. He was cute. And then we spent 3 lovely days in Paris. We headed straight to Versailles. It was my wish to go to the Palace. Boy were we glad we did! Then the next day we spent at The Louvre. My dream come true. We had pre downloaded audio tours on our ipods so we smugly walked past the looooong queues for audio guides. Crowds were crazy but it felt more like being back home. We saw the Eiffel Tower, the Cathedral of Notre Dame, walked along the Seine River and spent 3 romantic days in Paris. Our hotel in Paris was gorgeous and it was perfect!Contrary to tripadvisor which had people trashing everything, things were pleasant. Now i know if a corridor smelt of pee, it probably was a little musty. And if a certain place was full of roaches, probably one or two were seen.We had to be on our toes but its like being on guard on the streets of Chennai. We had a lovely time, good food and really unwound from all the wedding travel, pr-wedding hectic week that we both had been through for our own reasons.
So now we are back and have to grit our teeth and give this last leg of grad school a big mighty push. I am still fighting my knee. i find it frustrating not to be able to run. Its a valuable amount of "me" time that i got before. It was a really nice and very personal challenge.I need to get even better shoes for my knock knees and need to strengthen with squats, step routines and much more. But boy will i feel good the day i overcome it. I will i am sure and like anything else it is a matter of time. So for now here is to family, friends and the gorgeous memories we have with all of them. Hope u like the photos

A very different toast

I am not sure how to begin this. I have meant to write for a while. But have been busy. Mostly because i am really getting experiments done now. About time since its my 5th year into my PhD. Long hours in the lab and the extra courses do stress me out a lot. But this post is something special. Its not about more than one degree. Its not about only me but about how i think i can say "us" now. Now when you love your thoughts and space it cant be an easy thing to accept but i think i finally can do it.Say us without flinching. And I actually feel nice about it. Like this is right. P has been amazingly patient with me even though i have nagged his head off at times. We both are quite different on some issues and it has taken us some time to understand what compromise is. Its been loads of fun figuring out what our quirky things are. Not to forget the brief appearance of the Ex who threatened to ruin it all, in perfect filmy style. All this, along with the amount of things we have been doing extra, gave us something to remember. P’s Blood pressure and i had something even more weird. To people that have had it before it draws an excruciating wince. Haemarrhoids or piles as we call it. My nightmare. Sans lovely cotton clothes and mom's home cooked food it deteriorated very fast. Surgery and steroids failed. Ultimately good old homeopathy and patient diet control helped.
P pushed me to exercise and i am glad he nagged me for a change. It helps and boy am i proud of my "runners quads". It wasnt easy to get myself to run 5 miles in an hour. Every moment I kept telling myself I had it in me to do it and when I finished, it was a unique sensation. Now i have a knee problem because I am knock kneed and P has supported me through this like every single other issue. What he has taught me is something nobody else can. To be strong and patient and give everything my best. And most importantly to have confidence in what I do. I admire his diligence in approaching his research and how he can show up in the lab at 7am on a Sunday morning. That is one thing I still need to get rid of – my laziness. I am working on it. I love how P is open and willing to try everything. I am spellbound at how quickly he has learnt the basics of Carnatic Music and truly appreciates the sheer brilliance of this artform, even picking out ragas like a pro. Again teaching me that if you put your heart and soul into something and you really want something to happen, it will. I am amazed at how this has changed me in the last couple of years. Hopefully for the good. One of the things that I hated was to fit into the usual desi stereotype here and I am glad P agrees with me. I love how he is the one person who will always smile when I pick out a new restaurant and not stick to the usual mundane ones. And now I simply have to give my love to my family- my lifeline and 7 other lovely hearts, 7 pairs of eyes and ears and 7 billion hugs that I always will have from the loveliest wingies – our very own spice gals. My best friends, lovely women who have understood me, accepted me and my tantrums and have stood by me every second. Women who are on the other end waiting to give me their encouragement and support always. Finally, all my friends at AZ that have made my stay here warm and colorful. And as I prepare myself for a roller coaster month ahead, I have to thank all of them for they have already told me I am going to have fun. I really think, toasts should be for family and friends rather than the couple. So here is mine, albeit virtual.

Who is forward really?

The pungent smell of fresh paint filled the room as Aparna dragged in yet another carton. Moving was something she hated. All that packing and unpacking. Reminding you of all the things you had collected over the years. Clothes that shrank thanks to the powerful driers, files, papers, books from the days she was still in School, the old broken Titan Raga watch that her parents gifted her when she turned 15 and a whole rack of CD's and cassettes she never touched thanks to her iPod. She ripped the tape apart and started sorting her things out. Until she touched the tassles that told her she had reached the photo albums at the bottom. Now that was always tricky. Thus far, she had never succeeded at not flipping through them. This time she didnt even stand a chance. She could hear the van pull away. Her husband would not be back with the next load for another hour and she promised herself one quick glance. Just a really quick one.....and then she would get back to work. The tassles flew as the cover was pushed back and thudded on her lap.She smiled at the long plaited hair with red ribbons and her school uniform. Shy and nervous, she was there holding the rolling shield for the state science quiz contest. She moved onto the photos with colorful clothes and her life from her college days. Friends, fun and loads of wonderful memories. Untamed brows, unmatched accessories, ill fitted jeans but nevertheless happy smiling skinny faces that filled up the 8inX6in slices of her past. But wait!not this one. Oh no not this one. This was different. For one thing it didnt have too many people. It had just two happy faces. And of course it weighed much more. Her fingers caressed the transparent covering.She smoothed it out even as her eyes reflected the transparency while she raced back into the past

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Long walks along the sun kissed beaches, two wheeler rides on crowded city roads and biting into spicy raw mangoes sold by street vendors. Foolish promises and wild hopes. When love was innocent and surreal. Manoj was a simple hard working boy, so unlike the rest who owned bikes and expensive Raybans. She knew that it was forbidden territory. The line of social conformance drawn by her family did not allow her to take a plunge into this. But alas, thier love knew no conformance. Their love saw no reality. It was quite a thing - this love they had. And so this love sat with them through all their classes, tests and exams. A whirwind year later she was forced to think about her future.Just like several of her friends, she decided to send out her applications to universities outside India. The usual household arguements began. Her mother thought it was sacrilageous for a daughter to live out there in the wild wild west all by herself. Like every other Brahmin family, she had hoped to see her daughter married to a boy well settled in the United States. Although she stopped there, in her mind she added the letters A.S.A.P. Aparna remembered the exhausting conversations on one side with her parents and on the other with Manoj, who had suddenly seemed not as perfect and happy and strong as before. It was way too much that her twenty year old heart could handle. Manoj wasnt like her. No this had nothing to do with the fact that he wasnt a brahmin by birth. She knew that marrying outside her caste was frowned upon especially since the likes of her grandad considered themselves to be pure blooded. Manoj was like a muggle who would never be accepted as pure enough. But wait,he WAS different. He wasnt the voracious reader she was, waiting to unleash the new bundle of thoughts and words into the world. Conversations were not fresh anymore. They were stale and mechanical. Even the visit to his house felt different. Aparna loved his people and had a new respect for simple hard working people trying to break through the socio-economic barriers of the past. They were unprejudiced, down to earth and true to their hearts. Hearts she could hear and talk to, sans all the layers of fat from a proud brahmin's ghee filled diet. God!!!! what had she done??? Had she confused love with pity? Was she clinging just because she took pity on him? Had she ever loved him?He seemed so unsure about life, more than her. Scared to do new things. She played the arguements over and over again. About mini skirts and dancing with other men, about spending on books and hair cuts. The invisible wall was growing in height. Brick by brick until it had sealed them apart from each other. One day,as she sneaked into the seat next to him at the new movie theatre, she felt a strange sense of foreboding. It wasnt love it wasnt the serenity she always thought she would feel, it was just a sunken feeling. She had been accepted for graduate school and would soon move away. For a moment she thought it was possible. Just them. Just them, in a world of their own. Nobody would have to say anything about why he wasnt a pure blood. Her attempts to talk to her family had failed. The disbelief on her mother's face at a mere hint of a relationship had brought the house down. How could she look at someone like that? Wasnt she ashamed of herself??She tried to tell them that it didnt matter anymore. The tell-tale pony tailed pot bellied brahmin who performed the rituals at their home meant nothing to her. She was always amused by their lavishness and felt that a humble prayer and a genuine thanks would weigh equal in the eyes of God. However,she knew she didnt feel so strong about Manoj either. When all the euphoria would die down, she didnt think they would be able to hold on.Nothing needed to change said Manoj. The fool - she thought. How could she make him realise that they were walking away along two very different paths. Hers had ambition, hopes for a zealous adventure taking her all around the world and she needed someone who could keep up with her energy and pace.It was futile to push this along any further. No class had ever taught her how to do this. Nay my friend, lessons of the heart are learnt the hard way unlike lessons for the mind. She smelt his neck for the last time and felt his fingers caress her lips for the last time. Goodbye had never been this hard. Would this be different if he had been just like her - a pure blood???His words, she could never forget and she took them with her along with her 70 pound bags to a whole new world.

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There is something about skyscrapers, freeways and express check outs that make healing easier. Or was it just her???? Before she knew it, Filter coffee was substituted by Starbucks,Petrol became gas, Namaste became Hey and colorful salwars suits were replaced by a pair of Levis and a black top. Aparna soon dissolved into the setting and was lost in the humdrum of graduate school. All that was left was the ashes of a fiery love that seemed to have burnt itslef out very long ago. So long ago that she felt nothing. No more tear filled diary entries or lonely evenings on the patio. Just an emptiness which she tried to fill with her coursework. And just like the ashes, their hearts were colorless waiting to be painted once more into a whole new picture. His desperate phone calls amidst meetings,luncheons and assignments didnt help her get over her guilt. A guilt that had always been there with those words.

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She never knew that she could ever love again. But that changed when she had come to know this man who was now her husband. Smart, quick witted and very well read, he seemed to mirror her thoughts. Slowly but steadily, Vinay became the companion she had only fantasized about. Strong in his mind yet tender in his feelings. A young man waiting to gobble up every scene he saw and who always wanted more. A young man who shared her passion for books, music, travel and life!!!!A man who always pushed himself further to set new boundaries. Did it help to know that he had grown out of a similar experience? Sick as it may seem, but sometimes one does find solace in such discoveries of mutual adversities. And so after many a meeting, as they sipped their super sized whipped cream topped mochas, Aparna began talking about her strict training in classical music. He looked at her with that mischievous tinkle in his eyes and she paused. He started telling her about his own training on the violin and began laughing. This could mean only one thing. They were within the boundaries. They were both pure blooded. Oh how amused he seemed. He disliked the pomp and splendour at all the ceremonies he had been through and had never honored the sacred thread either.Sitting on the lake shore, they were quite a sight. Two young energetic people whose hearts resonated with the happiness of knowing that they had each other, no matter what. This was different. Indeed very different. This was a love that could intercalate within their lives, their dreams and their plans. This was a love that really was more giving than taking. It was mature. This was a love that they were so sure of. She shuddered as he bent down on his knees and popped the box open. Yessss!she cried. Yes, she would marry him. In the reddish pink twilight, two soft and thirsty lips came together sealing the moment forever .Yet, the guilt was always there. Gnawing at her. Reminding her of the same question. Was there ever going to be deliverance from this feeling????

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The pages kept flipping taking her to the wedding ceremony. Heavy gold brocade saris in bright colors. Aparna was amused by her elaborate head dress and expensive gold ornaments and Vinay's bare chested parade. Vinay wasnt proud of his part in the wedding and disliked the two day marathon of ceremonies. And he did not miss letting her family know.She remembered the shock on her mother's face when Vinay joked around that his sacred thread was once used to dry out his underwear. He refused to pay his respects to his uncle- the black sheep in the family. Her parents were not amused. As the final moment came to tie the three knots, the drumming grew louder. From far, Vinay looked intense trying to recite the hymns. Her mother came closer, to hold her daughter's long braid high up and help Vinay tie the sacred thread around Aparna's neck.She was completely taken aback when she realised he was just mumbling incoherent words. He really didnt seem to care and all the sacred chants didnt seem to mean anything to him. He looked up and grinned at her mother sheepishly. The irony hit both women on the pandal like never before. Aparna's own expression as she watched her mother's face, was a mixture of cynicism and pity . The music grew louder and even more unbearable reaching its cresecendo. Aparna could see the shock and turmoil in her mother's eyes. Her mother had always hoped for her son-in-law to abide by their rules and rituals but she had realised that the reality was far from that. She looked back at the couple even as she folded her palms praying to the Lord asking him why he had done this.Of what use were all those limits she had set? Of what use were all the rules she had laid? Why back then, had she stopped her daughter from looking further out? Oh how cruelly ironic it was.This was just too much for her ego to handle.
Aparna looked at the priest proudly pouring ghee into the fire,the stern looking men in dhotis wearing the carmine red line across their foreheads and then at Vinay who was hungry and exhausted waiting for the lovely lunch taunting them with its wafting aroma. It was raining yellow rice all over. Her grandfather had already started gloating about his pure blood son in law from abroad. She looked around and realised how many people in the wedding hall had no idea what or why they were doing these things but were just blind followers. It almost seemed that they were too weak to even question the relevance of these practices. She could just imagine what a struggle it would be for a muggle to fit in. Not someone like Manoj - a pure simple unprejudiced person. He would be ripped apart by these vultures. She suddenly realised that she hadnt snatched away his happiness. She had saved him from the wrath of this social evil. He was free. Really, HE was pure. Minus the clout and the look of mental descrimination that her grandfather cast on people. She had rescued him from everything. And this was her moment of deliverance from the guilt. Would anyone else ever understand what she felt? God knows no descrimination. God has no preferred worshipper. In His eyes every marriage would be held by the same pure unadulterated bond of love and trust; no matter between whom the feeling grows. If ever she had her own message in a bottle, these would be her lines.

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The honking brought her eyes back to focus on the carpeted floor. Aparna shut the album and ran out to the van. It was a beautiful sight. Their home. One amongst an entire row of identical houses in a new community. And she hoped that she would never have to move again. For reasons more than one.

Ladies Room!!!!!

There comes a time in every woman's life when you slowly start lowering your guard about things like makeup and skincare and everything you may consider really not worth your effort. My first serious thought about this came when i attended a conference a year after i started graduate school. i had no idea whatsoever about makeup and moreso an everyday use for cosmetics. Like every other indian girl i loved my eyeliner and kohl and stuck to it. i strongly believed everything else was unnecessary. But, for special occassions like weddings and receptions there is no way we can go without any makeup. A Nude look is NOT no makeup but it is makeup done smartly so as to appear as close to natural as possible. One reason why most indian girls are scared to venture is the sensitive skin we have. Home remedies and face packs are the best to keep skin healthy unless you have an extremely severe acne or skin problem that needs a dermatologist's attention. I agree but learning and being aaware of why this is done and not that is of great help when the day dawns when you finally need good makeup. Over the past few months i have reviewed material on the internet and have really loved reading makeup blogs by indian women. some of my favourites are - askamakeupguru, indianmakeupdiva,roopcafe,anindiansmakeupmusings. They are free and provide invaluable tips for makeup suited specifically for indian skin. My own experiments with makeup have taught me a few valuable lessons and i decided to share them like i did in my previous blog about fitness. I guess this is quite a bit of digression from what i have in my previous blog post but i really hope this helps women who are clueless about where to begin. Lets split up and talk about the Basics for the Face, eyes, lips and cheeks.
1. Face -
Most indians use a really horrible ghostly like foundation on theri skin thinking it will make them look fairer. Foundation MUST and ABSOLUTELY must match your skin tone. So look for shades that disappear when you streak it on your cheek just above your jaw and not on your hands or wrists. Brands like MAC, Bobbi Brown etc make good products. It is meant to even out skin tone but shouldnt feel like a layer of paint on your face. The next issue is if this photographs well since thats what we need for weddings and receptions. Unfortunately almost all foundations come with SPF in them. Even MAC had its foundation with SPF 30. All these have titanium dioxide that works great by reflecting off sunlight but look ghostly and a different shade in photographs. i have seen that in wedding photographs and even celebrity photos-a white layer on your face. For me, it got worse with time. The latest foundation from MAC is SPF 15 and the most natural. I however have a personal favourite from VASANTI COSMETICS which has no SPF. The company is run by 3 indian women and caters to colored women and indians because we have yellow undertones(warmer than the usual colors sold out here abroad) and makes foundations that do not have titanium dioxide. otherwise one can use MACs moisture cover concealer and set it with a powder. Again, choosing a concealer is tricky. Indians have really dark circles. To some extent, an orange-red based concealer does a great job of covering up. I need two different concealers for under eyes and spots.

2. Eyes -
The best feature for us. We have lovely big eyes and for most occassions our eye makeup is heavy. Askamakeupguru has a lovely video on asian wedding eyes. She uses a shimmery shadow on the lid and a Matte darker shade in the crease and blends it out to give an additional depth. Also, highlight on the browbone is important. Use a highlighter (benifit,lorac or eyeshadows that are very light and shimmery like MAC Ricepaper). For everything blending is really the key.
After that, apply liner and kohl and try to shade a little and smudge out in the bottom of your eye. Curl your lashes and use a good coat of mascara or experiment with False Lashes which are lovely, although i am yet to try this out.
Brows - need to be neatly shaped but need not be so paranoid about it that they are super scanty. A well placed arch really looks amazing but a lot of desis do the curve which is very weird looking. Kareena kapoor's look has thick eyebrows that arent perfect but still full and look good. Fill in with a dark brown but not black and use an angled MAC brush.Dont overfill brows.

3.Lips
Keep them moisturized always. Use a liner and then fill in the color and top off with gloss. Mostly i only wear gloss. And if your eyes are really heavy go with nude lips. Usually we must try and stick to one strong feature. Lot of brides wear strong eyes and bright red lips. For red lips the other features kind of fade in the background.

4.Cheeks
One of the other big big mistakes most desis make is to apply this big blob of "rouge" on to look like a clown. Golly, that is so weird looking. Blush should give you a slightly flushed look and is extremely light. Mostly its the color you would be if you were pinched on your cheek. I apply this pinkish color on the apple of my cheeks and blend towards the temple. A tiny tiny bit is all you need. The other option is to contour using a bronzer or darker shades of blush. They need to be applied below your cheek bones and blended for added depth. Also use the darker shade on your temples. Finally apply shimmer on the cheeks and a little bit on your chin and tip of your nose. Too much isnt good. You will sparkle like a christmas tree.

These are the basics for the good healthy look that will make you look fresh and bright. And if the colors are mostly nude it would be perfect for a natural daily work look. A little bit of concealer and liner plus kohl is all you need if you are in a hurry. Dont forget moisturizer for your face and lip gloss. And the more elaborate for special occassions. Sadly, very few people back home pay attention to all these factors. A lot of people start off looking good at their receptions but as the day wears on it cakes up and faces get too oily. Using a blotting paper is great and regular touch ups helps. FOllow these tips and experiment with various looks and learn how much is too much before really using makeup and you will find that you are a pretty good artist yourself!Good luck!

The Ring.....

Almost a year later I begin to write again.
Today my pen beckons me like never before.
The ink flows, through my heart through many a vein
onto the blank piece of paper waiting to be soiled.

Write I will, but not about bleeding hearts
Or of sorrow, pain, suffering and rejection
These are the happy, smiling joyous parts
The reds, the pinks and the sunny yellows.

Is it the comfort of knowing that you are being loved
A hundrend more times than you can ever love back
Or is it the vivid image of the two faces that glowed
As they walked holding hands along the moonlit path.

Is it the passion of the first kiss and many more to come
Or the softness of pure and exquisite love that fills us
All the needless, wantless selfless emotion that makes me numb
And engulfs me like an ocean of sweat and pleasure

Today, I smile when I look at this tiny small cactus budding
Even the ugly thorns fit into the lovely warm creation of God.
I bend down and look at my hands and the priceless ring
Of love, of commitment and promise for a lifelong togetherness.

In simpler words,
I am engaged! Woo hoo!

What really works........

At the risk of sounding boastful, i admit that i have succeeded in losing some weight. I started to hit the gym after a lot of apprehension. I noticed that i was way below the average fitness level among most women in the gym and that i could barely hold my running for 10 min on the treadmill. Less than half a mile, i would have this ache in my legs and boy i felt like i was dead. I would look around and watch people go twice as fast as me. I painstakingly went past that to more than 3 miles in one go and boy did i feel proud of myself. I had never worked out seriously before.
Like any other indian graduate student, the pastas, ranch and southwesterns,garlic alfredos, Hummus,rice-cheese-bean burritos at taco bell( i know you guys will say oh yes for this one) slowly started to take their toll. I always thought i limited my meals but when i actually began adding up what i used to eat, i figured it was a disaster. One single dinner of pasta and dessert was like 3 days or more of saturated fat and Sodium. Especially because all that is piling up in the night and you dont really need it at all.Even the so called "good foods" across various cuisines are like at least 500-600 calories To top it all, i am a hypothyroid patient. I wasnt too bad but still i had to lose 15 pounds. In my defense, my earlier apartment didnt have a full length mirror.
I started to add some strength training exercises to my workouts. I am a big fan of pilates. Amazing things you can do to change the way you look. I am not very efficient with them and wish i could afford a personal trainer. I did have some painful inJuries but thankfully i am still in one piece. I added 30 min of exercise to my routine in the morning. Mostly for my tummy and to kickstart myself. I added some crunches,push ups and squats and built a longer sequence that would actually have me break into a sweat. I felt good about that.
If there is one thing i struggled the most, it was to get out of the rice habit. We eat way too much rice. And if you need to build a calorie deficit it isnt possible to do so without changing your diet. I watch people around me struggle with it and mostly its a state of denial in your mind. You think you are hungry and cant do it or you think its not worth it because you cant do it. Seriously you can. In all probability your stomach has stretched to accomodate for a larger appetite and therefore you might feel a little hungry but slowly you get used to it. I switched over to eating Just the curry part and a slice of brown bread or two and having a glass of fresh fruit Juice or eating a good plate of fruit in the night. It seems like i hardly eat but seriously it is good stuff. Occassionally i have chappatis.
I noticed that i burn much less than what most people do in a normal 1 hour workout and therefore decided to split the workout and control my diet. The biggest no-no has been lunch outside.Eat well portioned meals, smaller ones 6 times a day and have your 1/2 little cheat eatings as usual.
For the same weight, muscle looks 5 times leaner than body fat and burns more calories. There are some great free body routines out there for people to try. The key to everything is a strong mind and discipline. You can do it if i can. I have nothing against drugs that melt away fat or lipos but seriously girls you are stronger than that. Its an amazing feeling when you get there. Go for it girls!!!!!
Show them thats its not only our grey cells that are on the go. Getting past all the denial and the hypocrisy,I know all of you want to get into that victoria secret top.
Scoff all you like and ya right me but im telling ya, you need to lose something to gain something else. Sweat it out...
CHEERS

the result of having a whole room to myself......

I am now a member of Hollywood videos – I can rent dvd’s for 15 dollars a month. This whole movie watching thing recently triggered an argument about how powerful a movie can be, if it were based on a woman’s life and experiences. My beloved friend believed that they cant be as “effective” – whatever that meant. Isnt the thought of a woman protagonist as powerful? Minus the testosterone surges - the guns in Munich, all the blood shed in Sparta, the craze for power in the Godfather, it is a very different world. The Shawshank redemption, one flew over the cuckoo’s nest, patch adams, the insider etc shall always be on my list of favourites but then I cannot downplay Erin Brockovich, Million Dollar Baby (Hillary Swank), Step Mom,Little Women, Jane Eyre, Color purple, Anastasia (Ingrid Bergman). Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday and My Fair Lady. How can you forget Scarlett O Hara in Gone with the Wind? The argument started because I was trying to describe how I felt after watching The Hours. Nicole Kidman’s oscar winning performance. I loved the movie and all the three women were amazing. I cannot understand why someone will think it was boring ( this was another friend). I would love to see Malika Oufkir's book being filmed.Somehow I cant turn my head away whenever the movie has a male protagonist and say oh, its boring. I found out that Kathreen Hepburn has the most number of Oscars as a best actress; she won it 4 times. While no actor has done so 4 times. Now my friend will say – that’s because they couldn’t find anyone else good enough and so on. Instead I would say it’s the continued strength and commitment of her performance that enabled her to win it. I would like to think of it as two sides of the balance without which there is no harmony. I wonder if everyone does that.

Couple of other interesting things -
Japan has the highest life expectancy. I found it strange since I thought Hiroshima and Nagasaki would have surely worked against it. The CNN website attributed it to their healthy diet.
And the fact that the largest supplier of weapons all over are the 5 permanent members of the UN security council. 190000 US supplied ak-47 rifles are missing from the war in iraq

exam fever

ok...i have an exam tomorrow....i have no enthu whatsover to study for it....its a closed book exam...damn!i have to "remember" stuff....names and things like that....about viruses...the thing about these courses is, they eventually make you believe you have at least one of those damn viruses in you by the time you finish it up!!!!and boy,by far;the best exams in such courses are the ones Dr.Das used to give us for "recombinant DNA tech" back in BITS....he had only open book exams...everything depended on whether you actually understood the course material..he would talk about an experiment and ask us to interpret some results....and in my neuroscience course here(btw this is supposed to be a grad course), this is one of my questions - what did so and so do to win the Nobel Prize and then there are 8 names staring at me!!!!how in the world am i supposed to remember all of them?????i managed a couple but seriously is that a question???not one but a lot of them were like that....so what is the sequence that does blah blah blah.....the bad thing is i dont even feel bad that i didnt do well in such exams....and i can only pray that tomorrow i will get lucky and remember all my answers.....the funniest part is that i made more marks than the instructor's grad student in the previous exam!!!

The Dawn Of Peace

I want to express what I feel

Like the minotaur of the labarynth’s darkness
The dark and forbidden emotion resurfaces
Sometimes its rage, other times it is hatred or even envy;
The feeling slithers all over like a creature evil and slimy
Along with the lovely pastels, shades of grey I shall paint
To hell with anyone reminding me that I must be a saint
No rain no flood nor any fiery tempest can put off the fire
And walk it will, along with everything else to the pier
Sadly I can never pick the shells without the sand
The pastels and the grey seem to always march hand in hand
Even if it is futile,I hope that the darkness recedes away
Letting the dawn of peace reign over, someday

Thanks to the world wide web

Something i found on the web. One of my favourites -

JOY and SORROW

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.



by Khalil Gibran

thanks to the world wide web,google and my vettiness....and the stupid agarose gel that never showed me any bands for like the zillionth time

selfish!!!

I wonder if it is a crime!
To say that all I care about is happiness;
not yours but mine!
Is it fair to let the world laugh and ridicule
this mighty stupid selfless fool?

Freedom from Fear

At 3 am in the night, I am wide awake… I am trying to fight the rage and fury that swells up….and all this because I happened to read this lovely piece of writing on the internet called "streets,stories and strategies" or something like that.
I have never really lived in a BIG city, and hence it wasnt essential for me to travel a lot everyday. But in my own way,I have learnt that sometimes, carrying the XX chromosome is certainly not a pleasant experience…..where you are doesn’t really matter…the eve teasing, the molesting and everything can happen almost anywhere…..i figured that the only way I would feel better would be to let it out and I decided I have to, no matter what…..
1.The 11 yr old happy kid…skips along in school…little does she know that these “seniors” walking in front of her are discussing about how to corner her…her ‘friend’ flees for her life….i don’t blame the creature….they are at least twice as tall as you…and there’s not one but four of them. Certainly one time when you wish “never been kissed before” is much better.
2. Peon in school…a bloody B and God knows what thrill he gets when he pinches you or caresses you and starts following you….the unbelievable stench inside the Ladies Room saves you
3. Every single ride on those crowded ECR / chengalpattu route buses is a nightmare….the conductor prides himself in making at least two rows of people stand and makes that little extra money….the drunkard asking you all kinds of questions is common…and of course you need to step on the guy’s foot when he starts rubbing his knee all over from the back….and sometimes the conductor has his own share while supposedly ‘making his way” to collect money for the tickets….the countless pairs of eyes that mentally strip you naked cannot be forgotten either
4. Long distance train journeys top the list….on the middle birth of a 2 tier sleeper class compartment, no one tells you that the head has to be near the window while u r asleep, you learn it…the hard way…..when u find the rough hands trying to feel you …its too late though to scream because the bastard has jumped off the train….New Delhi railway station and u r waiting for ur train to arrive…u simply cannot miss the glances, the nudges and the sleazy comments. The side upper birth is the most wretched thing….for a slightly tall guy, totally accessible…it doesn’t really matter how much ever covered and clothed you are....
5. On your bicycle just outside your “home”; a bike passes you with three men and two of them stretching their hands out succeed in touching you….you wished to God that the third one did it and all of them met their death, then and there in front of your eyes..and another time thugs on a bike corner you when u r pedaling with all your might, up a slope….hell!!! who cares for traffic rules…you duck and swerve…a bush of thorns…but it saves you
6. The TT master “teaches” you how to hold the bat from the back...and u can feel him all over from behind
7. You learn that if ever u happen to sit near the “aisle” in a bus, your bag is always in between you and the guy standing right there
9. Overnight bus journeys…and that too on a Hariyana Roadways bus, are nightmares…if you are in the penultimate row of seats in the bus, you are doomed…when the lights are turned off your nails are the most effective weapon..if it doesn’t work, you have to protest and all this is when you have companions and move in a supposedly safe gang
10. Right outside your place, some bugger cuts across screaming into the night, something about how he had an erection thanks to the fact that you werent wearing the usual Salwaar-Kameez+dupatta combo
11. Still worse, when at work, a supposedly brilliant scientist attempts to “talk about science” to you…. you can never raise your voice against this in public, because, the chances are that it will be turned against you but you have to stay…. you try to retaliate when he talks about “your lovely lips” or shamelessly announces that “he has work with you after office hours and wants you to visit him in his cabin to collect a gift- which may not be a book on sex!”. The result is a disaster because this person makes sure you cannot get away that easily and makes life hell…
12. The worst is to stand in front of a little kid as she cries out to you, telling you that it happened just outside the door, on the stairs and asks you – “ Why Me??” and you walk over to look at a dirty white stain on the stairs.
Every experience leaves u even more enraged than the previous one did… Nothing will ever be said or done though….sometimes I wonder ….why almost every guy has to think with that disgusting appendage of his? Another one of those darned questions which will never have an answer

Four freedoms: The first is freedom of speech and
expression - everywhere in the world. The second
is freedom of everyone to worship God in his own
way, everywhere in the world. The third is freedom
from want . . . everywhere in the world. The
fourth is freedom from fear . . . anywhere in the
world.

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Freedon from such fears is an elysian dream, no doubt shared by millions of women who have been through instances like this and much more....

solitude and chicken pox

there is nothing called loneliness if you make solitude your companion


- nothing much really, just that i have been confined to my room for 8 days thanks to chicken pox and was all by myself the whole week....good that its over and behind me..and hell!!!was i pampered!!!....times when i remind myself that nice ppl still do exist in this world..am sure glad to get back on my feet though
prash...here is to you!!!!seriously...would have been much worse for me without all that you did...thanks a million.......for all the south park dvd's :P kidding of course.Damn that pox virus....the thing is so small and cant even survive by itself, and yet can wreck your whole body....well whatever

The secret of success

This question had long forever plagued me
As to why ‘t is this wretched way that I must be
Oh! how true it is that you cant be taught
To smile and laugh and to worry not
Why is it that all of me seems to be buried in my ugly knitted brow
Will I ever smile when I look at the vibrant colors of the rainbow?
"Oh God", I cried,"I have strived to find an answer, but forever in vain"
And I heard Him say- "You maketh your misery, you create your pain"
"Is it anyone’s fault that you have no faith in you?
My dear, you must trust yourself and all that you do
And that is the little secret that shall always drive
Every single man who can reach the sky
No one in this world can ever be blemishless
The trick is to hold your head high nonetheless
Each one of you my beloved, is precious to me
Because of what you were,you are and will always be
For every soul there exists its very own niche
Never compare,as each one shall walk its own way
And all of them great people who always win
Have the confidence that comes from within
A feeling that they are special and unique
And that the world is theirs; right under their feet
Then my dear, there is nothing else you need to defeat
Life suddenly transforms into a dream ever so sweet
So my child,'t is high time you became confident and bold
Ye must believe that your fingers can spin yarn into gold
Follow my word and very soon,you are sure to shine
Blessed art thou for your life will then feel divine"

Aeons to create ; moments to destroy

Aeons to create ; moments to destroy
A life that is so full of joy
The earth; ever so resplendent
Ruined by the cruel and insurgent
The heavenly shadow of the trees so lovely
Felled to build the “good” economy
The air once fresh and natural
Now so polluted and funereal
Drop thy weapons my beloved friend
Before it is too late to mend
This isn’t a task so arduous
preserving the world that belongs to us

The daughter of a whore

My sorrow,my joy, my only love, my everything, she was
A heavenly nymph with eyes that shone like the stars
I could not watch her become another me
Helpless, I knew that I had to set her free
The clock ticked away incessantly
Bastards!they would come for her mercilessly
The dawn would drag her into this infernal world
Oh no! she was too pristine to be sold
The world is too bad for you I told her
O my little princess,please forgive your mother
But you shall never have a life of shame
Wretched and lowly, with a tainted name
In my arms she lay as she breathed her last
as she journeyed into the heavens past
A fatherless daughter of a whore
My darling, my angel, and then she was no more

Those ugly fears in my head

A fabulous evening it was, as we walked along the beach. The wind was kissing the tall green blades of grass and the water shimmered under the evening sun. It was warm and lovely – he said. I longed to agree with him. I felt cold and I could sense the tension build up inside me. My heart was throbbing and the fear was unbearable. Oh how I wished I could speak about how I felt. The ignominy weighed me down as always. I tried to listen, but he seemed so distant. Even as he made my head rest on his knee, I could feel the wetness on my forehead. It all came back to me in a flash. The faces of the men who had cornered me. I had watched helplessly as my best friend in school fled for her life. I could not blame her.How could I forget the rough hands, the cruel faces and the harsh lips all over me. The dark corridor in school which I always feared. The relentless screams had probably saved me but I had struggled to fight the feeling of shame and disgust ever since.And now, I felt his hands softly caress my face and I looked into his tender eyes even as they became bigger and bigger and bigger….untill the moment when I could feel his breath on my lips…I began to whimper and tremble….i had to break free…..i scrambled back onto my feet and began running…..i had no strength…..i could never succeed in fighting the fear……..a few feet away from the water I heard the shouting and I looked back to see his face even as his hands gripped me. The soft and comforting words soothed me. I knew not how long I stayed. But I remember the feeling as the pain left me…to be gone forever….as all that I had suppressed began to flow…I remember the night that had given me hope…the first time that I had ever wished to see the sun rise and feel its warmth on my skin. I had fought them and won; I was at last rid of those ugly fears in my head.

Rivers of Sorrow

Rivers of sorrow
Where once the tears did flow
Now a heart so frozen and cold like ice
Fighting to let go of the reprise
I beg you to open up, but in vain
Urging you to share and halve your pain
As I walk, I see yet another shadow
My hand outstretched, I want to say that I will never let go
Speechless, I see the turmoil in your eyes
And I can sense the apprehension rise
Let the darkness merge
Let the emotions surge
As your soul is revived once more
I want to be the one to know
Rivers of sorrow
Where once the tears did flow